Christ Speaking -- Matthew

This list shows the "spoken version" of each verse of Christ's words in Matthew. It adds interactions with audiences, pauses, and other interactions you would see in a spoken presentation. The word order follows the order of the original Greek much more closely than other English so that the humor works correctly, especially the punch lines. This work is being done as part of a new version capturing the Gospel of Matthew from a different perspective.
Matthew 18:7 Woe unto the world because of offences!
Matthew 7:16 You shall know them by their fruits.
Matthew 8:26 Why are you fearful,
Matthew 18:8 Wherefore if your hand or your foot offend thee,
Matthew 8:32 Go.
Matthew 5:34 ...Swear not at all;
Matthew 6:5 And when you pray,
Matthew 6:9 Therefore you should pray like this...
Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given to you;
Matthew 7:9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread,
Matthew 6:29...That even Solomon in all his glory
Matthew 22:4 Again, he sent forth other servants,
Matthew 6:32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things
Matthew 18:9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out,
Matthew 19:23 Truly I tell you, That a rich man shall...
Matthew 9:37 The harvest truly is plenteous, but the labourers are few;
Matthew 9:24 Give place: for the maid is not dead,
Matthew 22:12 And he said to him, Friend, how
Matthew 7:22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord,
 Matthew 22:18 Why tempt ye me, ye hypocrites?
Matthew 14:31 O you of little faith,
Matthew 5:25 Agree with your adversary quickly,
Matthew 20:10 But when the first came,
Matthew 5:29 And if your right eye offend you,
Matthew 8:11 ...That many shall come from the east
Matthew 6:6 But you, when you pray, enter into your closet,
Matthew 6:13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil:
Matthew 15:10 Hear, and understand
Matthew 16:10 Neither the seven loaves of the four thousand,
Matthew 7:10 Or if he ask a fish,
Matthew 7:11 If you then, being evil,
Matthew 5:30 And if your right hand offend you,
Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive men their trespasses...
Matthew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever that you want
Matthew 6:16 Moreover when you fast,
Matthew 6:18 That you do not appear to men to fast,