Christ Speaking -- Matthew

This list shows the "spoken version" of each verse of Christ's words in Matthew. It adds interactions with audiences, pauses, and other interactions you would see in a spoken presentation. The word order follows the order of the original Greek much more closely than other English so that the humor works correctly, especially the punch lines. This work is being done as part of a new version capturing the Gospel of Matthew from a different perspective.
Matthew 16:18 ...That thou art Peter,
Matthew 20:13 But he answered one of them, and said, Friend,
Matthew 22:13 Then the king said to the servants,
Matthew 7:17 Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit;
Matthew 10:20 For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit
Matthew 9:17 Neither do men put new wine
Matthew 18:15 Moreover if your brother shall trespass against you,
Matthew 15:18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth
Matthew 16:19 And I will give to you the keys of the kingdom...
Matthew 20:14 Take yours and go your way:
Matthew 22:14 For many are called, but few are chosen.
Matthew 7:18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit,
Matthew 18:16 But if he will not hear [you, then]
Matthew 10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death,
Matthew 15:19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts,
Matthew 22:19 Shew me the tribute money.
Matthew 5:44 But I tell you, Love your enemies,
Matthew 21:27 Neither shall I tell you by what authority...
Matthew 18:17 And if he shall neglect to hear them,
Matthew 7:19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit
Matthew 15:20 These are [the things] which defile a man:
Matthew 22:20 Whose is this image and superscription?
Matthew 22:21 Render therefore unto Caesar
Matthew 18:18 ...Whatsoever you shall bind on earth
Matthew 10:23 But when they persecute you in this city, flee to another:
Matthew 16:25 For whoever will save his life shall lose it:
Matthew 15:24 I am not sent but unto the lost sheep
Matthew 20:18 Behold, we go up to Jerusalem...
Matthew 15:26 It is not good to take the children's bread
Matthew 22:29 You err, not knowing the scriptures,
Matthew 20:19 And shall deliver him to the Gentiles to mock,..
Matthew 16:26 For what is a man profited,
Matthew 16:27 For the Son of man shall come
Matthew 15:28 O woman, great [is] your faith:...
Matthew 22:30 For in the resurrection they neither marry,
Matthew 21:30  And he came to the second, and said likewise
Matthew 7:21 Not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord,
Matthew 16:28 There be some standing here who shall not taste of death
Matthew 15:32 I have compassion on the multitude,
Matthew 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you:
Matthew 22:31 But as touching the resurrection of the dead,
Matthew 5:48 You will then be perfect,
Matthew 23:23 Woe unto you...for you pay tithes of mint and anise and cumin,
Matthew 21:34 And when the time of the fruit drew near...
Matthew 22:32 I am the God of Abraham,
Matthew 22:37 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart,
Matthew 21:35 And the husbandmen took his servants, and beat one...
Matthew 6:27 Which of you by worrying
Matthew 14:18 Bring them here to me.
Matthew 22:38 This is the first and great commandment.
Matthew 6:28 And why are you worried about clothing?...
Matthew 28:19 Go you therefore, and teach all nations...
Matthew 6:30 Wherefore, if God so clothes the grass
Matthew 28:20 Teaching them to observe all things
Matthew 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God...
Matthew 17:9 Tell the vision to no man,
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not think about tomorrow:
Matthew 17:11 Elias truly shall first come
Matthew 17:17 O faithless and perverse generation,
Matthew 21:36 Again, he sent other servants more than the first: